Nonviolent Communication and Sexism

By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer

Author’s note:
It’s important to me to be transparent about the fact that I am writing this article as a male who grew up in a household in which respect for women was an important value, in the context of two countries with varying degrees of overt and subtle sexism, Mexico and the US.

While this article attempts to present basic information in a neutral way, I acknowledge that none of us can fully escape our biases, and I share some of my personal experiences below.

I offer this article not as an expert in sexism but rather as an expert in NVC who has grappled with these issues his whole life.

Introduction: Understanding the Intersection of Sexism and NVC

What is the intersection of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and sexism?

Before diving deep into this intersection, I’d like to first clarify the purpose of this article, and the importance of addressing biases and blind spots.

From there I’ll define NVC, describe a bit how NVC applies to social issues in general, analyze the problematic nature of sexism — and then dive into the intersection and how we might use NVC to make things better.

Purpose of the Article

This article has multiple purposes:

• to explain Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in a straightforward and relatable way,
• to articulate what sexism is and why it is problematic,
• to support you in noticing any blind spots or hidden biases you might have with regard to your own relationship with sexism, and,
• to explore this intersection and how NVC can help.

The Importance of Addressing Biases and Blind Spots

Just like a car’s side-mirrors have blind spots, so do people.

And the thing about blind spots is that, by definition, you don’t see your own.

We need others to help point them out.

This can be done in a harsh way, in a way that’s full of blame, guilt, or shame.

And it can be done with care and compassion, ideally with consent — though sometimes interventions are necessary and life-serving.

I learn and grow through feedback, and it is something I have learned to ask for and to receive as a gift.

Feedback with low care and feedback with high care are very different things!

Without acknowledging that we all have biases — some conscious and some unconscious — we are without power to work with them and address them.

Defensiveness is very likely an expression of generational trauma.

When I let my guard down, take in others’ feedback, and consider whether or not it applies — this accomplishes at least two things: (1) it contributes to a sense of safety for others to communicate something that may be challenging to share, and (2) it affords me maximum opportunity for learning and growing from the feedback.

As is true for all of us, there are things we don’t know that we don’t know.

When it comes to sexism, on a conscious level I have values of treating everyone with dignity and respect. Nevertheless, I sometimes act un- or semi-consciously. And because I want to be conscious, and because I don’t want to act in ways that are harmful, I am very grateful for the feedback — even or especially when it’s uncomfortable to hear!


What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?

Nonviolent Communication offers a new paradigm for how to relate interpersonally, and is comprised of a consciousness orientation, principles, key differentiations, and concrete, actionable tools.

When NVC is applied even with a moderate level of skill, it contributes to:

• reducing stress,
• deepening interpersonal relationships, personally and professionally,
• preventing and resolving misunderstandings and conflicts,
• leadership that is more conscious and effective, and,
• much more!

Brief Overview of NVC

Here is a brief overview of Nonviolent Communication (NVC):

Definition and core principles

NVC is a process for speaking and listening that has the greatest probability of leading to harmony rather than conflict — and is most likely to result in your own needs being met in a way that is in harmony with the needs of others.

NVC is based on the premise that all human beings have the same underlying core human motivators which are an expression of how Life itself is moving through you in any given moment. In NVC we call these Universal Human Needs — or simply needs. As we define them in NVC, needs are energies that want to flow, not holes to be filled.

Needs are understood as the conditions necessary for life to thrive in any human being regardless of culture or geographic location. They include, and also transcend, survival needs — such as air, food, water, clothing, and shelter. From an NVC lens, you can think of Universal Human Needs as “thrival” needs. Some examples include love, trust, connection, safety, belonging, and meaning — though there are many more. Here is a list that provides a good starting point.

When we can initially suspend our desire for a specific result in order to prioritize trust and connection — in other words, when we can understand each others’ feelings and needs first — then we can find mutually agreeable outcomes that meet the greatest number of needs.

If we skip the connection and go straight to a solution, we simply don’t know if our selected strategy will meet all the needs because we haven’t taken the time to uncover what the needs are!

Once we are connected, problem-solving naturally becomes collaborative — and this is part of the genius of NVC.

NVC’s origins and development by Marshall Rosenberg

In naming the process Nonviolent Communication, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s intention was to align himself with Gandhi’s movement which was about truth-telling and compassion.

Among many influences, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg studied with famous psychologist Carl Rogers, who at the time was investigating empathy and why it is that authentic human connection can be so healing.

At times Dr. Rosenberg described NVC as the result of his search to identify the essential elements in thought, language, communication, and the use of power that contributed to the high quality of connection most likely to lead to mutually satisfying outcomes.

As a result of Dr. Rosenberg’s thirst for knowledge, immense curiosity, commitment to what worked, and his constant personal growth and development, NVC continued to evolve and grow until his death in 2015.

Certified Trainers now come from a multitude of cultures, and many are also informed about or adept at other modalities — furthering the evolution of NVC to this day. One example of this evolution would be how NVC has become much more trauma- informed than when I began learning it in the mid-1990s.

How NVC Applies to Social Issues

One of Dr. Rosenberg’s dreams was that NVC could contribute to creating a more humane, loving, and resilient culture.

One aspect of NVC that intrigues and fascinates me — and that I find so useful — is it’s range of application: within an individual, between people, and as it applies to culture as well as social systems and structures.

Broader implications for societal issues, including sexism

Putting NVC into practice naturally leads to building trust and mutual understanding.

This is a far cry from one group imposing its views and strategies on another.

This brings to mind a couple of tensions that NVC addresses: unilateral versus co-created action, and punitive use of force versus protective use of force.

NVC does have room for the use of force when it is employed to protect life — and recognizes the deep limitations of using force to coerce or punish: thus leading to the distinction between punitive use of force and protective use of force.

Protective use of force could comprise any unilateral action intended to protect life after all other strategies have been exhausted. Examples range from plucking your toddler out of the way of oncoming traffic, saying something at work when someone makes a demeaning comment, intervening when someone is being verbally, physically or in other ways harassed or abused, to the role of UN Peacekeeping forces stopping two groups from shooting at each other in order to create space for a diplomatic solution. These are merely a few examples.

I emphasize this point to make it clear that NVC is not about being “nice” or being a doormat. Sometimes very strong verbal or physical action must be taken, unilaterally, in order to protect life.

NVC guides us to do this, again, only after all other options have been exhausted or ruled out.

Because of the focus on dialog and connection, NVC accomplishes getting buy-in from the greatest number of participants, resulting in outcomes that are more agreeable and durable than solutions which are imposed or rushed.

Some of NVC’s limitations in social change contexts

Of course, applying NVC to large-scale societal issues also has limitations.

One such limitation, in certain contexts, is that it requires at least some degree of balancing power relationships in which one group is oppressed or controlled by another.

When a group of people with power over another does not have healthy ways of grieving and mourning, and this pent up pain hardens into static enemy images, fear, distrust, and rage — it naturally takes time, great skill, and an enormous amount of political will to see such a process through.

And most times the group with structural power is not willing to shift the power dynamic — usually out of fear coupled with an inability to imagine more satisfying possibilities.

Another limitation when applying NVC to large-scale societal issues is the skill-level required when two groups are deeply conditioned to seeing each other as enemies and to annihilating each other.

Unless and until people with their hands on the levers of power see and understand the transformative possibility of NVC, and are willing to dedicate the resources and political capital to implementing it at a macro level, the work of applying NVC to large-scale social change is limited to (1) smaller, more personal conversations, interactions, and interventions, (2) work within organizations when leadership is on board, and, (3) using NVC dialog to create access to people with structural power in order to begin the important conversations about the transformative and deeply satisfying social change that is not only possible, but that much of the world appears to be craving.

NVC and social change successes

NVC has had a significant influence on positive social change in certain arenas.

I will name two prominent examples, though there are more, and it is far beyond the scope of this article to go deeply into them.

One is Dominic Barter’s pioneering and remarkable work with Restorative Circles, a restorative justice application of NVC (https://www.restorativecircles.org/).

The other is Convergent Facilitation, developed by Miki Kashtan, which is a way to bring together individuals or groups with multiple perspectives so that they can find a way out of being stuck, and into solutions everyone can live with (https:// convergentfacilitation.org/).

How NVC applies to sexism is the topic of the rest of this article.

Recognizing Sexism: A Challenge for Most People

Recognizing sexism is a challenge for most people because it is deeply ingrained in cultural norms and often operates unconsciously.

From a young age most of us are conditioned to accept the gender roles and stereotypes of our culture, making it difficult to see how our everyday assumptions and actions may contribute to perpetuating discrimination based on sex.

Many of us — but in particular those who benefit from existing power dynamics — may not experience or notice the impacts of sexism directly, making it harder to recognize when we are perpetuating harmful behaviors or attitudes. (After all, one of the hallmarks of privilege — here defined as unearned social advantage, such as being born male — is that it is mostly invisible to those who have it.) Moreover, sexism often shows up in subtle, socially accepted ways, such as assumptions about emotional expression, leadership, or caregiving — which makes it easy to pass unperceived.

When my father pushed me in a stroller, as a baby, on the sidewalk in New York City in 1971, he was chided in public by other men for being less-than-manly. The underlying belief would be something along the lines of “showing nurturing traits is a sign of weakness; men shouldn’t be weak; weak is bad.”

This is just one example of cultural norms that today, in my circles, seem silly, absurd, or extremely outdated — because the culture has evolved to allow for a wider range of expressions and behaviors.

This kind of blind spot exists for both men and women, making self-awareness and intentional reflection essential to uncovering and addressing these biases.

This Author’s Personal Experience

It has been an ongoing and long-term process for me to become increasingly aware and sensitized — to prime my “radar” — to everyday sexism.

This includes being aware of:

• when I or other males interrupt a girl or woman in conversation or in meetings,
• noticing when a woman makes a suggestion that seems to go unperceived in a meeting but which, a few minutes later, is then acknowledged and praised when expressed by a male,
• the phenomenon known as mansplaining, which I’ll define here as a female-bodied person experiencing condescension or a demeaning tone, being explained something by a male-bodied person as if she were incapable of understanding it unless and until it was clarified by a man.

These are just a few examples.

I have been accused of all of the above, despite growing up in a household that was trying to sensitize me to such dynamics.

My mother excelled in a male-dominated industry, broadcast media in Mexico, in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s — but it seemed that she had to work twice as hard as the men around her to prove that she was smart and capable. (And she was impressively smart and capable!)

I have also experienced sexism against me as a man, a bit of which I describe below. However, the overwhelming tide of sexism in Western cultures is, by far, against women.

Regardless — sexism helps no one and hurts everyone. It’s important to name it, shed light on it, and up-level the way we treat each other.

Overt and Subtle Sexism in Everyday Life

Sexism can appear in many forms, from the obvious to the more subtle. Overt examples might include gendered slurs, unequal pay, or exclusion from leadership roles, while subtle forms can manifest in everyday interactions, such as when women’s ideas are dismissed in meetings or men are expected to suppress their emotions.

These behaviors reinforce harmful gender norms and perpetuate systemic inequality, often without conscious awareness.

Common Blind Spots and Biases

As I mentioned earlier, we all have blind spots and unconscious biases. The trick is to learn to perceive them by making them conscious so that change can happen intentionally.

How sexism manifests unconsciously in our behavior

Many of us unknowingly harbor sexist attitudes and assumptions, mostly due to cultural conditioning.

These blind spots can show up in unconscious biases, such as assuming a man is better suited for leadership or believing a woman is automatically more nurturing.

These ingrained beliefs shape our behavior and interactions, often in ways we fail to notice.

For example, a man might take over some tasks at work, believing they are “too complex” for a female colleague, without realizing how he is coming across, or how this might impact her.

Why It’s Not Just About Men

Sexism is discrimination based on sex, regardless of who is doing it!

The role of women in perpetuating sexist norms

Sexism is often viewed as something perpetrated by men against women, but women can also reinforce sexist norms.

Internalized sexism occurs when women, influenced by societal standards, adopt and perpetuate harmful stereotypes about their own gender.

For instance, a woman might believe that women are less logical or rational than men, subtly perpetuating sexist ideas in her interactions and expectations.

I had a first cousin, a woman, who would not be seen by a female doctor because she said she only trusted male doctors!

Recognizing that sexism is a shared issue helps both men and women challenge these limiting beliefs together.

Sexism against men

Sexism toward men, though often less discussed, can reinforce very harmful gender expectations.

Men are frequently subjected to rigid norms around masculinity, which dictate that they should be strong, unemotional, competitive, and dominant.

These stereotypes can limit men’s ability to express vulnerability or seek help, leading to emotional suppression and isolation.

For example, societal pressure might discourage men from pursuing careers in caregiving roles, such as nursing or teaching, or from taking paternity leave, based on the assumption that caregiving is “women’s work.”

Additionally, men can face ridicule or diminished respect if they don’t conform to traditional masculine behaviors, perpetuating a cycle of repression and harm.

In my own upbringing, I was told that feminism is not about women being better than or above men, but actually about equality between the sexes and genders.

And despite this explicit value of universal dignity and respect, I experienced a subtle cultural undertone that was sexist towards men.

I would sometimes overhear my mom and sister talk about how “men are pigs,” and hear comments regarding male sexuality as gross and borderline criminal.

The cultural trope that “men are bad” is something I have had to do a lot of personal healing around.

And I still don’t want to lose sight of the fact that sexism — including workplace inequality and sexual harassment — has been directed mostly by men toward women.

The Role of NVC in Addressing Sexism

NVC gives you a way to confront sexism without being confrontational.

When you express your pain vulnerably, it’s more likely to invite the other person’s natural compassion.

Making somebody wrong about their words or behavior usually accomplishes one of two things: they get defensive and resist what you have to say, or they go into a guilt or shame spiral, and withdraw and disconnect, cutting short the possibilities for learning and connection.

NVC teaches you how to speak vulnerably, not from a place of weakness but from a place of great power and transparency.

Sharing from the heart is more likely than judgment to invite healthy self-reflection, and therefore lasting change.

People are usually more receptive to hearing your feelings and needs, and being invited, with curiosity and care, into a conversation.

The Importance of Being Willing to Have Courageous Conversations

The reason most of us don’t speak up is because we’re afraid.

Courage is not the lack of fear! It’s called courage precisely because there is fear.

When we shrink back from saying something, an opportunity is
lost.

(I am not talking about situations in which your life or physical safety is predictably at stake — in which you must create physical safety first.)

As more of us learn to communicate with clarity and compassion, — powerfully yet with care — we are helping the culture evolve and move forward.

NVC gives you grounded and useful tools for having important and courageous conversations.

Observation vs. Interpretation: Understanding the Difference

The NVC Model has four components, the first of which is clear observations. (The other three are feelings, needs, and requests.)

An observation is comprised of the simple facts, as objectively as you can state them.

One way to think about observations is, what would a video camera or an audio recorder pick up?

For example, an audio recorder or video camera does not pick up sexist, rude, appropriate, or inappropriate. These are subjective, and sometimes cultural, interpretations or evaluations.

When attempting to give someone feedback, I might offer an exact quote of what they said, rather than describing what they said with evaluative language.

The importance of separating observations from judgments

Any judgment is an expression of an unmet need.

When I express my unmet needs in the form of judgments my communication is taking me away from the type of connection that is going to be mutually satisfying.

Part of the purpose of stating an observation, rather than a judgment, is that the other person understands clearly and unambiguously what exactly it is that I’m talking about.

When I describe what I saw or heard using evaluations, judgments, or even interpretations, it is likely to lead to defensiveness or pulling away, making the conversation more difficult.

When I state a neutral observation the other person is less likely to get defensive compared to if I state a judgment.

Speaking from the heart would include one or more clear observations, followed by feelings, needs, and requests.

Hypothetical example: A male colleague interrupts a female colleague during a meeting

(For clarity and brevity I am intentionally leaving out a further layer of power dynamics, such as who has the power to fire whom. For this example, let’s assume that both these people have equal structural power within the organization.)

When a male colleague interrupts a female colleague during a meeting, it can be a subtle form of sexism that reflects deeper societal patterns of gender dynamics.

This behavior may stem from unconscious biases that men’s voices are more authoritative or valuable, while women’s contributions are often seen as secondary.

From the perspective of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), this type of interaction can be understood by observing the situation without judgment. For example, instead of labeling the man as sexist, one might simply observe neutrally, “During the meeting, John began to speak while Sarah was still speaking.”

One possible next step, if you’re following NVC in a formal way, would be to identify the feelings and needs driving this behavior.

John may have been feeling an urgency to express his point or may have been yearning for acknowledgment or approval, unconsciously leading him to dominate the conversation.

On the other hand, Sarah might feel frustrated and disappointed, with unmet needs for consideration and for being heard and valued.

By recognizing these underlying needs, NVC encourages a more compassionate and productive dialogue. Rather than fostering blame or defensiveness, it is more likely to open the door to mutual understanding.

In this scenario, a productive NVC-based response might involve Sarah expressing her needs directly, such as, “I felt frustrated when I was interrupted because I value having my contributions heard and respected.”

This kind of communication has a higher likelihood of helping shift the interaction from dominance to empathy, allowing both parties to engage in a more equal and respectful exchange.

Through this lens, NVC provides a framework for addressing sexist behaviors without escalating conflict, while fostering an environment of collaboration and mutual respect.

This is an oversimplified example, to be sure. However, there is one more important point to make:

Having effective tools and being skillful with those tools are not the same thing. Learning NVC ultimately involves improving your skillfulness.

Identifying the Needs Behind Sexist Behavior

One of the premises of NVC is that our words and actions are attempts to meet needs.

Because needs are also seen as core human motivators… 
 …what could the needs be behind sexist attitudes, remarks, and behaviors?

Exploring the unmet needs that drive sexist attitudes and behaviors

Sexist behavior often stems from underlying unmet needs, rather than intentional harm or malice.

In NVC, one of the core ideas is that all actions, even harmful ones, are attempts to meet Universal Human Needs.

For example, a person might act in a sexist way because they are seeking recognition, safety, or self-esteem — but they are going about it in a way that comes across as disrespectful toward others. In these moments, they can’t think of or access a better way, usually because of their conditioning.

Recognizing this does not in any way excuse or justify the behavior! It does, however, allow a shift in the conversation from blame to understanding, opening up possibilities for change.

Hypothetical example: A man experiencing needs for respect and acknowledgment resorts to dominating conversations

Consider a man in a work environment who frequently interrupts or dominates conversations, particularly when speaking with female colleagues.

This behavior could be driven by a deep need for respect and acknowledgment, perhaps due to insecurities about his own value or competence.

He may have an underlying belief that speaking over others, especially women, is a way to assert his authority in order to command respect or be seen as competent.

As this person develops in NVC, he is more likely to become self- aware about his hidden beliefs and the needs he is trying to fulfill.

In the context of learning NVC, he would be encouraged to explore these underlying needs for respect and acknowledgment, and to recognize that dominating conversations might appear to meet these needs in the short term, but harms his relationships and the overall work environment — therefore, actually going against his own needs!

By bringing awareness to his own behavior, his impact on others, and what would truly meet his needs — he can then learn healthier strategies to fulfill the underlying needs without resorting to oppressive or sexist words and actions.

Transforming Communication: From Domination to Empathy

When we connect and understand each other’s underlying values and needs, then we have the best chance to co-create solutions that address all the needs.

Using empathy to connect and reduce sexist tendencies

Empathy is a core practice in NVC, and it can be powerful in addressing sexist tendencies.

Through empathy we can connect with each other’s underlying feelings and needs, helping to neutralize defensive postures and create genuine understanding.

For people who have internalized sexist beliefs — whether about themselves or others — empathy offers a way to transform those ingrained patterns.

By focusing on empathically understanding the needs driving sexist behavior, we can change how we engage with one another, shifting from dominance to equality and connection.

Hypothetical example: A woman recognizing her internalized beliefs about gender roles in her relationships

As a hypothetical example, a woman may unconsciously adopt traditional gender roles in her personal relationships, perhaps by consistently giving in to her male partner’s decisions or taking on most of the household responsibilities without question.

These behaviors do not necessarily, but very well might, stem from an internalized belief that women should be nurturing and compliant, while men should lead.

Through the practice of NVC, this woman can begin to examine these internalized beliefs by asking herself what needs she is trying to meet — perhaps security, harmony, or integrity — and whether her actions truly fulfill those needs.

By bringing empathic awareness to her own and her partner’s experience, she can contribute to co-creating a more conscious and intentional relationship, in which each partner is contributing in a way that the needs of both are fulfilled.

While this example is heteronormative, it is merely an example, and can apply to any relationship.

And while it still may fulfill both people’s needs to have someone who leads more and someone who enjoys surrendering more in certain contexts, it will all be more enjoyable and fulfilling when done with clear and conscious intentionality and awareness, rather than from unconscious conditioning.

Practical Steps to Uncover and Address Your Own Sexism Using NVC

Here, we get to looking at your own blind spots!

Remember that this is not about judgment, shame, or blame.

Getting curious, and committing to your own learning and growth will be assets in your journey of self-discovery!

Self-Reflection: Asking the Right Questions

The answers you get depend entirely on the questions you ask!

Prompts for identifying your own biases

Self-reflection is crucial in uncovering your own biases and sexist behaviors.

NVC would encourage you to observe your thoughts, feelings, and actions without judgment — as an expression of needs — offering an opportunity to recognize unconscious patterns.

Some prompts to guide this self-reflection could include:

• When have I assumed a person’s abilities or roles based on their gender?
• Do I expect different behaviors from men and women in my life (for example, assertiveness from men, caretaking from women)?
• How do I react when someone challenges traditional gender norms?
• Do I limit myself, or put myself in a box, based on my sex or gender? What conscious or unconscious beliefs might I have about this?

By asking questions like these, you can begin to identify moments in which assumptions have influenced your thoughts and behaviors.

Recognizing and acknowledging your own biases, with compassion, is the first step toward changing them.

Changing the Conversation: How to Speak Up Against Sexism

Sometimes a situation warrants saying something because silence can be unwitting complicity.

Strategies for using NVC to challenge sexist remarks in a constructive way

Challenging sexist remarks or behaviors can be difficult — but NVC offers you a way to do it constructively.

Instead of accusing or blaming, focus on expressing your observations, feelings, needs, and requests. 


For example, if someone makes a sexist joke, you might say, “When I hear that joke, I feel uncomfortable because I value respect and equality for everyone. It would mean a lot to me to spend some time with you connecting about this. Are you willing?”

This approach is more likely to open the door to dialogue rather than defensiveness.

The person may not have intended to cause harm, and this nonjudgmental approach allows them to reflect on their behavior without experiencing an attack.

The Importance of Being Willing to Have Courageous Conversations

Let’s remember once more that courage is not the lack of fear! It’s called courage precisely, because we feel nervous or afraid to bring something up.

When you develop in your NVC skills, your level of competence reflects directly in your confidence to steer the conversation towards a mutually constructive outcome.

Having courageous conversations about sexism requires both empathy and honesty — there is a back and forth, rather than lecturing, in a true conversation.

It can be highly uncomfortable to confront someone on their words or behavior. It can also be uncomfortable to be confronted on yours!

Identifying ingrained biases — whether in ourselves or others — can be scary, but it’s essential for creating change.

NVC gives you the tools to approach these conversations compassionately.

When we can acknowledge our shared humanity and the unmet needs driving harmful behavior, we can challenge sexism from a place of understanding and empathy, which increases the likelihood of creating lasting, positive change.

Being willing to engage in these conversations with openness, curiosity, and courage is crucial for dismantling sexist patterns both in ourselves and in our wider communities.

Marshall Rosenberg on NVC and Sexism

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg helped us shed static and culturally conditioned labels and invited us to think more broadly about our identity.

Here are the lyrics to a song by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg:

Ode to John Wayne

I grew up believing what was expected of me, was to prove how strong and violent I could be. But now John Wayne is no longer my hero,
and I’m going to allow gentleness to show.

I’ve been afraid to admit it, when I’ve been lonely or sad,
I thought feelings were weakness, and I thought weakness was bad.
But now John Wayne is no longer my hero,
and I’m going to allow gentleness to show.

I‘ve exploited women, treating them as less than me, Holding up notches on my belt for all my buddies to see. But now John Wayne is no longer my hero,
and I’m going to allow gentleness to show.

– Marshall Rosenberg

You can find this song on the album Live Compassionately, which is available here: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/product/live- compassionately/

Here is another version of this track, on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oblVPOVgRxs

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