NVC Quick Connect eNewsletter

Issue 3.4 • 2nd Quarter 2006

Issue Theme: Extraordinary Relationships

NVC Quick Connect is a joint publication of PuddleDancer
Press and the Center for Nonviolent Communication

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Learn more about Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Including an outline of the 4-Part Communication Process, Feelings and Needs We All Have, Key Facts About NVC, and the Life-Changing Benefits of Learning NVC. Find a training in your area listen to sound bytes from Marshall Rosenberg, read about the spiritual basis of NVC, and read how NVC contributes to peace.

Feature Stories

How to Have a Fight to the Life
(Instead of to the Death)
by Kelly Bryson, MA, MFT, CNVC certified trainer

Fair Fighting (John Bradshaw’s and other’s term) is an argumentative term in itself. Since when has anybody every agreed on what ‘fair’ is? If we agreed on that we wouldn’t be fighting in the first place. It starts you off on a right/wrong adversarial footing. The idea sends you up to your head to be ever-vigilant, like a lawyer ready to pounce.

          

“Objection your honor! Fair is supposedly an objective term, which puts the authority in some objective external body. And if our lawmakers, judges, clergy, psychology Gurus and philosophers can’t agree on what ‘fair’ is, what chance do we confused consumers have?” 

          

I prefer a much more subjective reference—‘Fun Fighting.’ The Locus of this authority is within me. “Am I having fun yet?” This helps me take the responsibility for whether I am having fun and if not what I am going to do about it. And by fun I don’t mean just the pleasure of amusement, I mean the satisfaction of being in genuine connection with someone and moving the dialogue forward.

          

Thinking for one second that something that is happening isn’t “fair” is poison to potent, productive problem solving. When I am thinking something isn’t fair my consciousness is focused on an image of myself as powerless victim. When I am holding that image of myself as a victim of some more powerful unfair force, very few of my brain cells are working on the problem. My feelings are often a mix of anger, hurt and hopelessness and I have very little awareness of what my present need is, therefore little hope of taking an action that might meet that need. I would like to notice that I am confused about how to get my needs met in that moment. 

I would like to step back from the particular strategy that I am locked into (like getting her to admit that just buying her a new car right now would not be fair to me) and get more connected and conscious of the underlying need. Here the need might be to reassure myself that I will take good care of my resources or that I will negotiate powerfully and nonviolently for my own interests. From this perspective I might find a way to embrace the others need and look for a win/win solution. Often it is this being locked into my judgment of the other as unfair and holding a tunnel vision of my one solution that triggers a lot of fear and resistance on the part of the other party involved. No one likes to submit to another person out of fear of their judgment and no one likes to feel like there are loosing in any interaction.

When Push Comes to Hug

Relationships are like Chinese finger puzzles. You know the kind made of straw where you scrunch up the cylinder, put both your index fingers in. And if you just try to pull your fingers back out again the cylinder tightens up, and holds your captive fingers all the tighter. The key to getting out of the Chinese finger puzzle is the same key as getting out of the polarized power struggle in a loving relationship. It is useful to push towards the middle instead of pulling towards the ends. 

          

When you find yourself in a relationship struggling towards one of the polar ends, the strain of the power struggle can be decreased by pushing back towards the middle. For example: Pulling for either freedom or closeness (or one of its millions of manifestations like traditional marriage vs. open marriage, autonomy vs. interdependence, spendthrift vs. miser, slob vs. anal neatnik, intellectual vs. emotional, extroverted vs. introverted, action oriented vs. being oriented, harmony vs. adventure, certainty vs. uncertainty, etc.)

          

Its true with any tug of war, that as soon as you move towards the other’s position all the tension goes out of the struggle and it can turn into a hug of love. I want to push towards my partner. I want to push in towards intimacy instead of just pulling out toward my desired outcomes.

          

So when my partner is pulling for closeness and I find myself tugging back for freedom I can change the polarity of the conversation by just beginning to think: How can I meet some of her needs for closeness without compromising my needs for freedom?  As soon as I start thinking this way the field of energy between us will begin to soften and relax, the tension will decrease as the fear diminishes. The fear in both of us is that we have to fight, defend and protect ourselves from being taken advantage of and to get our needs met.

Keep Reading Kelly Bryson’s Article >>

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Being Me, Loving You
By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
BOOKLET EXCERPT

In this powerful workshop excerpts Marshall touches on some of the most key aspects of applying NVC to create loving relationships with our partners, spouse and family while maintaining our personal integrity and values.

On the Subject of Marriage
Marshall: You may have heard me say that it is harder to relate within a marriage than outside because of all the crazy things we are taught as to what “marriage” means. I find I enjoy the person I’m living with much more if I don’t think of her as “my wife,” because in the culture I grew up in, when someone says “my wife,” they start to think of her as some kind of property.

NVC is a language that makes it possible for us to connect with each other in a way that enables us to give to each other from the heart. That means with your partner, you don’t do things because of titles that imply you are “supposed to,” “should,” “ought to,” or “must.” You don’t give out of guilt, shame, unconsciousness, fear, obligation, duty. It is my belief that whenever we do anything for one another out of that kind of energy, everybody loses. When we receive something given out of that kind of energy, we know we are going to have to pay for it because it was done at the other person’s expense. I’m interested in a process in which we give to each other from the heart.

How do we learn to give from the heart in such a way that giving feels like receiving? When things are being done in a human way, I don’t think you can tell the giver from the receiver. It’s only when we interact with each other in what I call a judging, or judgmental, manner, that giving isn’t much fun.

Learning through Four Questions
Let me suggest that you write some things down. I’m going to ask you four questions. If you are married or partnered, then pretend that you’ll be speaking with your partner or spouse. If you want to focus on some other relationship, pick someone you’re close to, perhaps a good friend. Now as your NVC partner, I’m going to ask you the four questions that deeply interest NVC-speaking people around all relationships, but particularly intimate ones. Please write down your answer to each of these four questions as though you were asked by this other person. Reader: We invite you to do this on your own on a separate sheet of paper.)

The first question: Would you tell me one thing that I do as your partner or friend that makes life less than wonderful for you?

You see, as an NVC-er I don’t want to take any action or say anything that doesn’t enrich your life. So it would be a great service if, anytime I do something that isn’t enriching your life, you bring that to my attention. Could you think of one thing that I do—or don’t do—that makes life less than wonderful for you? Write down one thing.

Now the second question. As an NVC-speaking person, not only do I want to know what I do that makes life less than wonderful for you, it’s also important for me to be able to connect with your feelings moment by moment. To be able to play the game of giving to each other from our hearts, your feelings are critical and I need to be aware of them. It’s stimulating when we can be in touch with each other’s feelings.

My second question then: When I do what I do, how do you feel?

Write down how you feel.

Let’s move to the third question. As an NVC-speaking person, I realize that how we feel is a result of what needs are and what is happening to our needs. When our needs are getting fulfilled, then we have feelings that fall under the heading of “pleasurable feelings,” like happy, satisfied, joyful, blissful, content . . . and when our needs are not being satisfied, we have the kind of feelings that you just wrote down.

So this is question three: What needs of yours are not getting met?

I’d like you to tell me why you feel as you do in terms of your needs: “I feel as I do because I would have liked _____ (or because I was wanting, wishing, or hoping for ______.)” Write down what you need in this format.

Now the NVC-er is excited because he wants to get on to this next question, which is the center of life for all NVC speaking people. I can’t wait to hear the answer to this. Everybody ready for the big NVC question?

I am aware that I am doing something that is not enriching your life and that you have certain feelings about that. You’ve told me what needs of yours are not getting fulfilled. Now, please tell me what I can do to make your most wonderful dreams come true. That is what NVC is all about: What can we do to enrich each other’s lives?

NVC is about clearly communicating those four things to other people at any given moment. Of course, the situation is not always about our needs getting met. We also say “thank you” in NVC and tell people how they have truly enriched our lives by telling them the first three things. We tell them (1) what they’ve done to enrich us, (2) what our feelings are, and (3) what needs of ours have been fulfilled by their actions. I believe that, as human beings, there are only two things that we are basically saying: “please” and  “thank you.” The language of NVC is set up to make our “please” and “thank you” very clear so that people do not hear anything that gets in the way of our giving to each other from the heart.

Keep Reading Marshall Rosenberg’s Article >>

Play Inspiring Video of
Marshall Rosenberg Now!
Hear Marshall speak about the impact of the Nonviolent Communication in transforming world conflicts, creating extraordinary relationships, and contributing to lasting peace in this 10-minute video.

 

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World News

Nationally Recognized Researcher Heads up

NVC Benefit Studies

Dr. Tom Caruso, director of research initiatives at Virginia Tech and coordinator of the Center for Nonviolent Communication Research Committee is making headway on matching scientific research to the benefits of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) training. Caruso provides an update here on US research initiatives that will measure the impact of NVC training in prisons, K-12 schools, health care, higher education and parenting.

An NVC in Schools Research Pilot Project has been formulated in the San Diego Unified School District at Perkins Elementary. Data collection for this project includes pre- and post-testing with surveys about training effectiveness and social climate, school violence reports, number of students referred to the principal for disciplinary action, standardized test scores, grades, and attendance information. This data will be collected for two trained fifth grade classes and an untrained control fifth grade class. CNVC hopes to have some analysis completed by early 2007, which could result in publication if significant effects are demonstrated.

The NVC in Prisons Research Pilot Project in San Quentin prison in California is being implemented to measure the efficacy of NVC training among inmates. The Total Honesty/Total Heart survey created by Marion Little will be used before and after the training to measure improved understanding and use of NVC concepts such as feelings and needs literacy, empathic listening, and reflecting skills.

Several people are developing reviews that will discuss the theoretical basis of NVC, the historical influences of Marshall Rosenberg that led to the current concepts of NVC, and the reasons that NVC would be useful in a prison setting.

Keep Informed:

To read more about scientific research being conducted on the beneficial effects of NVC training, please visit the NVC research web page at: http://www.cnvc.org/nvc-research.htm. If you know of a scientific study that has been completed or that is currently in process, please let Tom Caruso know at tcaruso@vt.edu

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Global Governance of the Center for Nonviolent Communication
A Message From Jori Manske, CNVC Interim Executive Director
As a global organization, it’s essential that we implement effective, meaningful methods to keep our NVC community connected. Stronger connections between our many NVC networks and supporters around the globe have the potential to significantly enhance our ability to collaborate, coordinate efforts, and fulfill our common goal of sharing NVC with as many people as possible. The NVC Global Coordinating Council (GCC) exemplifies this commitment.

On May 10, 2006 after a period of open comment in the network, the CNVC Board approved the proposal to create an NVC Global Coordinating Council (GCC), which will eventually include regional delegates from all parts of the world, provide ongoing awareness of needs in the network, and contribute to devising effective strategies to support meeting those needs.

The current strategy is to form a GCC with initial delegates in the next few months. The initial delegates will have relatively short terms so that we can repeat the selection process later this year or early next year with a more inclusive process. The initial delegates will provide us with invaluable insights into what we need to consider as we design a process that will eventually include every person who would like to be involved. 

Liz Gay, selected from Asia Pacific became the first delegate to the GCC in May, and Anne participants from Canada.  Organizing activities regarding selection of GCC delegates are occurring in other language/geographic regions as well.

The initial delegates will help develop an inclusive delegate selection process. We hope to then to have a process for connecting those individuals and groups with others in their geographical area (by telephone perhaps, as will be attempted in North America) to select a nominee from their local area.

A group of such local area reps will then select a representative for a larger geographic area. That delegate will then be part of a group selecting a delegate for an even larger geographic area. This process will continue until there are about five to ten reps from around the world serving on the Global Coordinating Council.

To see more on CNVC organizational implementation of nonviolent governance go to:
http://www.cnvc.org/sociocracy.htm and download attachment 3 in English or German

For more information on sociocracy and nonviolent governance visit:
http://www.cnvc.org/sociocracy.htm and download attachment 4 in English or German

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Estonia Joins NVC Network with
First Certified Trainer

The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) welcomes the first CNVC certified trainer in Estonia, Merike Kahju, and trainer candidate, Sirli Kivisaar. Merike and Sirli join 208 certified trainers in 35 countries worldwide.

 “I met NVC in the summer of 2002,” said Merike, “and rose in love with this way of living from the very first second!”

Merike is active sharing NVC and Joanna Macy's Work that Reconnects, organizing NVC events and managing some NVC projects in Estonia, including an NVC prison project for nine inmates.

“We’ve been there eight times and the participants are ‘demanding’ to have a follow-up course. I celebrate that I get such feedback that is meeting my needs for meaning, connection and contribution!”

Since 2004, Merike has carried the dream to create an NVC community in Estonia. Her vision is to create a nurturing, residential space in the countryside that will support those who dream to have their needs for love, compassion and cooperation fostered.

“In my vision, there will be space for living, conducting local and international seminars, networking, sharing ideas, and just nurturing each other by living in community with people who have similar dreams.” If Merike’s vision interests you, she asks that you contact her by email at merikene@gmail.com

Trainer candidate, Sirli Kivisaar, has mainly been working with people in the field of medicine who want to integrate compassionate communication into their lives. Since 2003, Sirli has introduced NVC to 564 health care professionals from different institutions around Estonia as a part of their refreshment courses. She has mostly worked with nurses, midwives and nurse’s aids primarily focused on communicating with patients in difficult situations.

“My aim in connecting NVC to the field of medicine is to give healthcare providers a coping tool to relieve stress and burnout in their everyday work,” said Sirli. “I also want to help them offer empathy and compassion to their clients, those in need of health care and social welfare.”

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Iraqis Find Tangible Solutions to Violence at Scotland NVC Training

 

This past May, the Findhorn Community in Scotland hosted three inspirational days of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) training with Marshall Rosenberg, attended by 180 participants from 14 countries. Thanks to CNVC training scholarships, a group of six decision-makers from Baghdad attended this training. The experience went beyond rekindling hope for peace. It ignited them with the power to Speak Peace, practical skills they hope will support the immense inner and outer rebuilding that Iraqis and their occupants long for.

Interest in NVC among Iraqis can in part be credited to Stefa Shaler. She travelled from Vancouver in 2002 to serve as “a human shield” in protest of the war. Once in Baghdad, she began instead to bring together people looking for a nonviolent future for their country. For many hours over many months, her gift was deep empathic listening—hearing and translating the common, deep-rooted desire for peace.

Last fall, Stefa attended her first five-day NVC intensive training and was deeply moved by the simplicity and power of the process. It became her dream to embody this compassionate consciousness, and introduce it to the core of Iraqi community leaders she had been working with.

Stefa received a training scholarship from CNVC to attend a nine-day NVC intensive training in Switzerland. She later organized funding through personal NVC contacts to enable six Iraqi community leaders from Baghdad to attend the three-day May workshop at the Findhorn Community.

“Marshall’s workshop at Findhorn has a special place in all of our hearts,” said Stefa. “We met so many fellow travelers there, all of us looking for effective nonviolent methods, new connections and new skills. All of the Iraqis are inspired by NVC and are talking about dreams of using it in their work in Iraq as soon as they complete their NVC training.”

If you would like to support more people from war-torn countries to receive NVC training scholarships, please contact the CNVC office at cnvc@cnvc.org, or call 1-800-255-7696 or 1-818-957-9393.

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Training and Community

Learn NVC with a Trainer:

2006 9-Day NVC International Intensive Training (IIT) Calendar:

Learn More or Register >

August 1–10, 2006: Switzerland

Sept 26–Oct 5, 2006:Canada (Montreal)

October 12–21, 2006: USA (Atlanta, GA)

Dec 10–19, 2006: India (Pune)

2007 9-Day NVC IIT Calendar
with Marshall Rosenberg
dates coming

Find an NVC Training in Your Area

Find an NVC Trainer or Organizer in Your Area

Marshall Rosenberg's Worldwide Training Schedule  

 

Learn NVC on Your Own:

Learn Without a Certified Trainer

4-Part NVC Process

Feelings and Needs We All Have

Key Facts About NVC

Life-Changing Benefits of Learning NVC

 

Join an NVC eGroup or Online Community

These global two-way email forums are an incredible source for inspiration, learning and idea-sharing for individuals at all levels of learning who are committed to the ideals of Nonviolent Communication. Subscribers can dialogue with others around the globe, retrieve topic-related resources online, ask questions, schedule an online chat session with other members, and more. Learn more or register now for any of the following eGroups: Synergy Communication • NVC Education Group • NVC Parenting-English Group • NVC Parenting-German Group • NVC Research • NVC in Social Change • NVC Certification Candidates

 

Become a Local NVC Supporter:

Help grow or develop an NVC presence in your local area. Sign up to be a local NVC supporter on the CNVC website today.  People who want to work to create a local learning community, or join your workshops or practice groups will then know to contact you. Registration is easy, and your information is not shared with any outside parties. Learn more or sign up now!

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Do You Want to Contribute?

Your Donation Provides Essential Training Scholarships

by Lynn McMullen, CNVC Fundraising Consultant

Recently nearly 50 people from Iraq, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka applied to CNVC for a scholarship to the learn Nonviolent Communication at a nine-day NVC International Intensive Training (IIT). Unfortunately, CNVC only had funding for five, which many of us found painful to share. As more and more people around the world realize the potential NVC has in dramatically improving their quality of life, so do our requests for much-needed financial scholarships.

When I begin to imagine the impact the NVC consciousness and skills could make in these countries plagued by violence, I feel a rebirth of hope and excitement. I’ve seen the growth of connection, compassion and tenderness in my own family since I began learning NVC. It’s clear to me how NVC training could change so many individual lives, as well as our culture and our future.

I believe that donating money is one substantial way for people to fulfill their dreams. When people give money away it is to realize their own goals for their community and their world. They do it to feel connected to meaning, contribution and hope. Marshall Rosenberg has said that contributing to the joy and well-being of others is one of our deepest needs, and it often goes unmet.

If you would like to make a difference in the life of someone, contribute to the CNVC Scholarship Fund. Your tax-deductible donation will provide much-needed access to these life-changing communication skills. You can make your donation online at www.cnvc.org/donation.htm or call CNVC at 1-800-255-7696 or 1-818-957-9393.

 

Support the NVC Book Giveaway Campaign:

Since 2003, PuddleDancer Press has donated over 50,000 NVC books to organizations, decision-makers and individuals in need around the world. This valuable program is supported in part by donations to the Center for Nonviolent Communication. To ensure that everyone has access to these valuable learning materials, please make a tax-deductible donation to CNVC, earmarked to the Book Giveaway Campaign at http://www.cnvc.org/donation.htm

 

Join NVC-Based Fundraising Coaching Call

Helping raise much-needed financial support and scholarship funds for CNVC are both powerful ways to build the world we are longing for.

To support people around the world interested in raising money for their own scholarships, or raising funds to support others, former CNVC board member Ike Lasater and CNVC’s fundraising consultant Lynn McMullen are hosting monthly coaching conference calls on the second Tuesday of each month. Anyone interested in joining this call is welcome. While the first group will be limited to 10 participants, additional groups will be formed as needed.

To join the conference call, email Lynn McMullen at lynn@cnvc.org. By coordinating our efforts and learning to use NVC while fundraising, we can shape the world we want.

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Publications and Exclusive Specials

Available Exclusively from PuddleDancer Press:

NVC Extraordinary Relationships Book Package
Save over 50% through July 31, 2006

With this complete 7-title package you'll learn to:

• Deepen your emotional connections
• More easily calm tense conversations with loved ones, family or co-workers
• Stop reacting to the same old issues
• Empathize so you’re present to listen
• Transform judgment and criticism into understanding and connection
• Listen so others are really heard
• Handle difficult conversations with ease

Makes a great gift or addition to your personal library!

Regular Price: $66.95
Special Price: $33.30 US

Available Exclusively from the Center for Nonviolent Communication:

NVC Relationship CD Special
Intimate Relationships • Needs and Empathy • Experiencing Needs as a Giftwith Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Save 33%

Join Marshall Rosenberg in a live workshop setting where you’ll learn to navigate common relationship challenges:

• Hearing and saying “no”
• Making satisfying requests
• Unfinished discussions
• Hearing rejection
• “Neediness”
• Unhealthy giving
• When empathy “doesn’t work”

Over three hours of NVC workshops focusing on specific relationship situations such as: hearing and saying “no,” making satisfying requests, unfinished discussions, hearing rejection, “neediness,” unhealthy giving, when empathy “doesn’t work.”

Regular Price: $45.00 US

Special Price: $29.95 US

Also from the Center for Nonviolent Communication:
NVC Relationship Audio Tape Special
Connecting Compassionately • Expressing and Receiving Anger Compassionately

with Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Save 35%
Bring relationships alive—learn to transform anger, frustration and blocks in communication into deepening connection.

Regular Price: $20.00 US

Special Price: $12.95 US

For everyday savings on a wide array of DVDs, CDs, videos, and books not found anywhere else, visit:
http://www.cnvc.org/combinations.htm

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