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“Nonviolent Communication is one of the most important processes you’ll ever learn.”
-William Ury, author, Getting to Yes

ISSUE THEME:
Conflict Resolution and Mediation

• A Word From David Hart, CEO, Association for Conflict Resolution
• NVC Mediation: Creating Dynamic Connection
• RESEARCH OVERVIEW: Total Honesty/Total Heart: Conflict resolution and empathy development, a violence prevention program
• Do You Want to be RIGHT, or Have Meaningful Relationships? You Can't Have Both!
• Save over 30% with our Conflict Resolution Book Package

Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication (NVC) offers simple, effective communication skills to help you foster healthy, satisfying personal and professional relationships. Learn to stay calm and compassionate even in the most difficult circumstances. With our conflict resolution and communication skills, you'll learn to understand the core of all conflict, violence, and emotional pain — and how to peacefully find satisfying resolutions where you never thought they were possible. By examining the unmet needs behind what we do or say, the NVC process helps reduce hostility, heal pain and strengthen relationships.

The NVC process is now being taught in mediation centers, corporations, classrooms, prisons and communities around the globe. The process has been endorsed by mediation experts, peace advocates, negotiation experts, litigators, counselors, corporate CEOs and relationship gurus worldwide. More than 180 certified trainers and hundreds more teach Nonviolent Communication to approximately 250,000 people each year in 35 countries around the world.

Key Facts About  the NVC Process
Life-Changing Benefits of the NVC Process

A Word from David Hart
CEO of the Association for Conflict Resolution
Reprinted from Mr. Hart's foreword to Speak Peace in a World of Conflict by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

As I sit down to write this foreword about the importance of Nonviolent Communication, the world is still reeling from the bombings on the London subway on July 7, 2005. We woke to learn that “it” had happened again. We saw the sites and sounds of violence and felt a deep personal connection to those who were suffering and whose loved ones are suffering still.

Somehow, across the miles that separate us from the site of the bombings, we grasped the pain that violence brings. Once again we saw the reality that bombs destroy fragile human forms and rip apart lives of valuable human beings. Though distance could provide a cushion to the shock, instead, in Washington DC and throughout the United States and the world, we sensed the crushing power of fear.

As I celebrate the tools of Nonviolent Communication presented in the work you hold in your hands, I wonder what it will take to truly “Speak Peace in a World of Conflict.” The violence that shocked us on July 7, 2005 , is all too common, too familiar, too much a part of our lives. Sometimes we recognize our connection to those who are affected by this pandemic of violence. Mostly, we seem to go numb – unable to either feel the pain of violence or the beauty of our shared humanity.

The day before the London bombings, lives were ripped apart in Baghdad and Fallujah. We participated in this violence, but we failed to mourn those victims or to ask when it will end. We only tend to notice if those whose lives are snuffed out prematurely are seen to be “like us.” If they wear the right uniform or look “like us,” we recognize our common experience and see them as fully human. If not, we may fail to grasp the value of their lives.

In this important book, Dr. Rosenberg reminds us that, “we’ve been living under this destructive mythology for a long time, and it comes complete with a language that dehumanizes people and turns them into objects.” Moreover, he offers us a suggested path out of this darkness. He reminds us that what you say and do matters. Our actions and our failure to act in the face of growing violence shapes the world and determines our future.

In my position with the Association for Conflict Resolution, I have the great pleasure of working with skilled professionals who strive every day to help people resolve conflicts in a manner that is creative, constructive, and does not resort to violence. As practitioners in the expanding and vital field of Conflict Resolution, our members recognize conflict as a natural and healthy part of life. We would never seek to eliminate conflict, because we believe that conflict can help us grow as individuals and as societies. Instead, we seek a more effective response to conflict. Dr. Rosenberg offers us a creative approach to communication in a world awash in violence.

I celebrate the pragmatic visionaries who seek a better world and work every day to bring that world into being. Through our collaboration, we may just find a path that brings us from the darkness of violence to the light of peace. Dr. Rosenberg has added his thoughtful voice to an important conversation. His approach is insightful, provocative, and is sure to spark discussion. While his presentation doesn’t exactly match my approach, that is not the point. He would not want simple agreement. He wants to engage us in a vital dialogue that allows us to look within and ask ourselves what role we can play in making the world a better place.

Nonviolent Communication is part of the solution to the problems we face today. As I brace myself to enter the subway here in Washington DC, I am strengthened by the work of Dr. Rosenberg and those like him all around the world who are not willing to accept the status quo of violent responses to conflict.

Read this book, take its message to heart, and let it be a step in a life-long journey of self-discovery and peacemaking. Together, bit by bit, word by word, day by day, we can truly “Speak Peace in a World of Conflict” and by so doing we can build a brighter future.

— David A. Hart is Chief Executive Officer of the Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) (Title for identification purposes only, not endorsed by ACR)

A Word from Dorothy J. Maver, Ph.D.,
Executive Director of The Peace Alliance and The Peace Foundation, education for a culture of peace and advocating for a U.S. Department of Peace
Reprinted from Dr. Maver's foreword to Speak Peace in a World of Conflict by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Sound is a powerful creative agent. Our speech reflects our thoughts and perceptions, and defines the world in which we live.

It is through our speech that we are known, for it tells a story of our thought life and essential self. How we speak can open or close doors, heal or hurt, create suffering or joy, and ultimately determines our own degree of happiness.

When I first heard Marshall Rosenberg speak peace, I knew I had been introduced to a man with a vision and the courage to act on that vision. As he shared his humorous and profound perspective and real-life stories about how lives were changed because everyone’s needs were met, he affirmed what I already knew in my heart. It is possible to live in right relationship with one another and all life.

In this time of pain and suffering in our world, Marshall gives us a key. This key unlocks the gift of understanding as to how our use of speech impacts and influences our lives and the lives of others. He offers concrete examples, a depth of knowledge, and a plethora of tools to bring harmony through conflict in any situation where there is willingness to participate.

Evaluating a Nonviolent Communication Workshop for political activists, a participant shared the relief and hope experienced as anger shifted and resolved. In the past, her angry way of communicating had kept her from being an effective political activist and change agent.

As we learn to speak peace in a world of conflict, we transform the world we live in, becoming a cause and not simply an effect. Our speech helps create a world that works for everyone, a world in which we understand and live the concept of Nonviolent Communication. Living intentionally in this way our motivations are transformed, and we come to know what Marshall means when he says, “… actions are taken for the sole purpose of willingly contributing to the well-being of others and ourselves.”

Speak Peace is so much more than a self-help book. You will come away from this book knowing how to participate effectively in personal, social, political and global change. This book is excellent and so needed at this juncture in our evolution. Peace begins with each one of us. Thank you Marshall Rosenberg for a significant contribution to building a Culture of Peace.

— Dorothy J. Maver, Ph.D. is Executive Director of The Peace Alliance and The Peace Alliance Foundation, educating for a Culture of Peace and advocating for a US Department of Peace. www.ThePeaceAlliance.org

NVC Mediation: Creating Dynamic Connection
by Jori and Jim Manske, certified trainers in Nonviolent Communication

We had been mediating for seven years when we stumbled into a workshop with Marshall Rosenberg in 2000; attracted by the lure of a free opportunity to learn from an international peacemaker. As Marshall shared the Nonviolent Communication process, his humorous presentation style (and his puppets!) captivated our attention, and his stories of transforming conflict into partnership captured our hearts. When we heard Marshall speak of the relationship between resolution and connecting at the level of universal human needs, it was as if something deep inside clicked like a key unlocking a door. We could see how the focus on needs as the cause of each person's experience could reframe and transform the conflicts that brought people to mediation. And, it could open doors of creativity that could lead to an outcome that was satisfying for everyone.

Our first opportunity to use the Nonviolent Communication process in mediation came within days, with a recently divorced couple who were suing each other over matters related to shared property. Blame and criticism had exacerbated several unresolved issues between them, and their tortuous experience in the courts had not led to a peaceful resolution for either of them. Both came to the mediation expressing distrust and hatred toward each other. This was just the type of mediation that can be the most challenging, as neither party saw any common ground for a future relationship, and therefore neither had a desire to cooperate.

The nascent paradigm shift that emerged in spite of our conscious incompetence with the NVC process included two deep and lasting insights that have revolutionized our mediation practice. First, during the mediation process, we broke the taboo of revealing our own uncomfortable feelings and needs to the disputants. Secondly, rather than acknowledging feelings and thoughts, which had been our previous style, we crafted our reflections of what we heard the disputants share by focusing on their feelings and needs. The outcome of this shift included (1) a shared sense of vulnerability; and (2) a quality of connection based on a shared focus on each person’s well-being. This outcome seemed to both astonish and please all of us.

In spite of our lack of skill in identifying needs and our sometimes awkward and formulaic expression in that first mediation, we arrived at a state of understanding and cooperation that enabled the parties to experience some peace within themselves. We were able to support them in decisions that worked for both of them. A few years later, we were shocked to receive a book written by one of the parties about the travails of their legal process and divorce. The book expressed gratitude for the mediation, and included the statement: "[Jim and Jori] were extremely skilled at getting to the crux of the matter."

Excited and hopeful about the results we experienced, we endeavored to learn more, and to apply the Nonviolent Communication process to our practice in a more conscious manner. Some of the basic ways to use the process in mediation include:

• Focusing on observations, feelings, needs and requests to support people in taking responsibility for their own experience, and being compassionate with themselves;
• "Pulling by the ears" to help people hear the observations, feelings, needs, and requests of the other parties in the dispute, and build compassion for each other;
• Offering “emergency first-aid empathy" when emotions are intense and people do not have the resources to listen to each other;
• Tracking and balancing the process to clarity that everyone's needs are heard and acknowledged;
• Identifying and using needs as a guideline to craft agreements;
• Using requests to find strategies, and checking to see if they work for everyone.

Recently, we mediated with two parents who were still recovering from the trauma of their acrimonious divorce several years ago. Previous attempts at mediation by other practitioners had shifted to "shuttle diplomacy," with the mediator moving from one party to the other in separate rooms or at separate times ending with each party having settled for agreements that were not working for them.

Their meetings with us signified the first time they had been able to sit in same the room with one another. They reported that even phone messages to one another had stimulated pain and disconnection. During those first meetings, both people expressed deep anguish. We helped them hear one another by translating their blame and criticism into feelings and needs. We guided them in verbally reflecting back the pain they heard the other express, and helped them to strengthen their common commitment to the well-being of their sons. After many experiences of deep empathy and profound honesty, they were able to craft new agreements centered on mutual respect and their shared concern for their kids, rather than from a space of blame, pain or anger.

Their teenage son had been away from home for a year, in part to escape the pain of the fractured family. During our work with his parents he returned and joined his brother and parents for a session with us. He expressed deep gratitude and utter amazement that his parents were sitting in the same room "without yelling and screaming at each other." After a couple of hours, the family left to have a meal together for the first time in years.

As we logged mediation hours with a conscious intention to practice the NVC process, the consciousness of nonviolence continued to integrate not only into our mediation work, but also into our experiences of everyday life. Now, the intentional use of the tools often recedes, as an unconscious competence in NVC emerges. For instance, sometimes during a mediation or reconciliation session, we feel surprised at what comes out of our mouths, and the profoundly connecting result that emerges for all of the parties. We believe, however, that the connection comes not directly from the words we use, but rather that the words reflect a compassionate intention. Our words or strategies come from our own intention to connect in the present moment, with ourselves and our "co-mediators" (the people bringing their pain to the table).

The NVC process has also been affective as we’ve facilitated groups of 50 or more people around land use issues between neighborhood organizations and developers. Using empathic reflection, we are able to ferret out what needs are not met, and then develop new requests that will better meet those needs. We have seen new ideas emerge through the shared creativity of people who have a sense of being heard and included, and who then are willing to hear and include others they initially did not trust.

We have had the joy of participating in many mediations that have changed lives. Although we enjoy working with people who have ongoing personal relationships where we support healing and reconciliation, we have found the process of Nonviolent Communication effective in mediating a range of issues including conflicts in workplaces, communities, schools, courts, and jail; with disputes concerning politics, the environment, healthcare, property, child custody and educational strategies, and personal rights and justice. Wherever people are in conflict, the process has helped us to be able to support people in seeing each other's humanity and in being resourceful in finding ways to meet everyone's needs.

Jim and Jori Manske have been married for 26 years and are Certified Trainers of Nonviolent Communication and Certified Practitioners of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). They have been actively studying communication skills as well as intrapersonal and interpersonal awareness since the 70's. Their degrees are in Mass Communications and Social Work. Individually and together they have been presenting workshops, facilitations, mediations and classes to various businesses, community groups, government agencies, NGO's, private groups and individuals since 1971. They can be contacted at peaceworks@nvc-nm.org or 1-505-344-1305.

“Rosenberg brings us globally critical evidence that how/what we speak reflects who we are and embodies what we will become.”

- Dr. Barbara E. Fields, executive director, the Association for Global New Thought

“Dr. Rosenberg has brought the simplicity of successful communication into the foreground. No matter what issue you’re facing, his strategies for communicating with others will set you up to win every time.”

- Anthony Robbins, author, Awaken the Giant Within and Unlimited Power

“Changing the way the world has worked for 5,000 years sounds daunting, but Nonviolent Communication helps liberate us from ancient patterns of violence.”

- Francis Lefkowitz, Body & Soul

NVC: Changing the Face of Litigation
by John Butler, former attorney and litigator

Mediation is generally understood to be a structured conflict resolution process facilitated by a neutral party. For many years, I mediated and helped resolve what were called "high conflict cases.” These are cases that have proven difficult to settle/resolve, even after several rounds of informal settlement discussions, formal mediations and/or judicially mandated settlement conferences. The court often appointed me to the case, or the attorneys representing one or both sides requested that I assist with resolution. Occasionally, the parties themselves invited me to work with them. I was able to successfully resolve these high conflict cases, even after more expensive and more experienced mediators failed.

In retrospect, I think two principles explain my success in these cases. First, I had the intent to resolve the case. I believed that the case would settle, and in fact already was settled—we just needed to sort out the details. Second, I was trained in, fully understood, and used the Nonviolent Communication process in the mediation sessions.

In one of Marshall Rosenberg's workshops, he declared that he could settle any conflict within 20 minutes, once each party had identified and shared with the other party their greatest need.  I agree with this principle and my experience has proven that if I hold this in my consciousness throughout the entire process, the conflict will resolve.

NVC is a fabulous tool to help sort out needs. Most people naturally come into a high conflict situation with a firm negotiating position or a detailed prescription for how they think the issues should be resolved. This is especially true if they have been through multiple conflict resolution processes. They usually are unaware that the other party perceives this as dictating to them how things should be handled. Folks in this situation understandably dig in their heels, resisting any conformance to the expectations of their disputant. Thus, the conflict escalates from the beginning of the session and the process bogs down unless these positions are dismantled.

As a neutral party trained in the NVC process, a mediator can listen and speak with an open heart, helping the conflicted parties to reframe their speaking/languaging to “giraffe” instead of “jackal.”

To be effective, I have found it useful to transparently use the NVC process from the onset of the mediation session. Even while gathering mutually agreed upon background facts, I begin working to get those sitting at the table to use "I messages." I repeatedly coach them to speak in the first person about themselves. Of course, I also treat each party even-handedly. I know how much practice it took me to learn the NVC process, and I was a motivated student, so I have compassion for the disputants as I coach them.

Most people do not know how to sort out and distinguish their own feelings from thoughts/moralistic judgments and beliefs about the other party. A skilled NVC practitioner can reduce friction and ill will by facilitating dialog along these lines. Meanwhile, it is important to neutrally support the balance of power. Sometimes one disputant is more verbal than the other, and their fluidity in language gives them an advantage in communicating in a new way. A delicate touch is required.

In addition, I use the NVC process to help the parties frame the issues. This process, artfully used, can help shift the disputants from arguing for their preferred outcome to sharing their feelings and issues. Consistently and gently focusing disputants on the NVC approach to finding shared concerns, rather than perceived solutions, helps move things forward smoothly.

In summary, the NVC process was an extremely useful technique to use as a professional neutral in my mediation practice. When applied transparently, I believe it aids me in sorting out needs versus demands, thoughts/judgments versus feelings, and so forth. Most importantly, it provides me with a mental framework and a consciousness that leads to a positive, peaceful and harmonious outcome.

John Butler was a highly successful litigator in Silicon Valley, California (USA). He eventually left law practice and now is a minister at the Unity church in Corvallis, Oregon (USA). An intermediate step in that transformation was the opening of his mediation practice called Harmony with Integrity, through which he helped many hundreds of disputants find peace. John developed a well-deserved reputation as a peacemaker by specializing in high conflict matters and resolving many difficult cases.

Nonviolent Communication for Prison Officers: Building Values-Based Relationships
by Patricia Dannahy Ph.D. and Josephine Mchale MPhil, CPsychol, AFBPS

The authors describe an imaginary situation in a prison workshop: one of the inmates throws his pencil across the room. The instructor perceives this as a threat to his authority and tries to re-establish control. The situation quickly turns into a confrontation. They contrast this with what they predict would have happened had the instructor responded from an NVC consciousness. Full Story >

Do You Want to be RIGHT or Have Meaningful Relationships? You Can't Have Both!
by Kelly Bryson, MA, MFT

Bryson uses humor to demonstrate the powerful impact of empathy in improving the quality of your intimate relationships. Full Story >

The Heart of Parenting: Nonviolent Communication in Action
Includes: Parenting Quick Reference Guide
by Marion Badenoch Rose, Ph.D.

NVC helps us shift our thinking from good and bad judgments to heartfelt connection with ourselves and our children. Full Story >

How to Have a Fight to the Life (Instead of to the Death)
by Kelly Bryson, MA, MFT

Bryson explores how to use Compassionate Communication to turn a “fight” with your intimate partner into an opportunity to learn more about each other. Explore the use of empathy, the value of taking a step back to check into your needs and several options for facilitating compassionate connection in the midst of conflict. Full Story >

“Speak Peace in a World of Conflict sums up decades of healing and peacework. It would be hard to list all the kinds of people who can benefit from reading this book, because it’s really any and all of us..”

- Michael Nagler, author, Is There No Other Way: The Search for a Nonviolent Future

“Peace requires something far more difficult than revenge or merely turning the other cheek; it requires empathizing with the fears and unmet needs that provide the impetus for people to attack each other.”
- Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

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