Finding Compassion in Divorce
by Susan Allan, The Divorce Forum

This year 70% of all U.S. marriages are expected to end in divorce. The Holmes Schedule of Stressful Events ranks divorce the second most stressful life experience, followed only after the death of a spouse. While some marriages end amicably, many end with partners feeling angry, resentful, or overwhelmed with emotional pain. When it is understood that more than half of all divorces render one or both partners homeless, clients admit that divorce is one of the most challenging experiences they may face.

After my own "Divorce 911" in 1998, I founded www.thedivorceforum.com to ensure that no one need ever experience the terror; confusion and grief often associate with their divorce experience.  By integrating Nonviolent Communication in my work, I found practical, powerful method to create peaceful divorce experiences. As America's leading divorce coach and the "Ask the Divorce Coach" columnist, I have offered NVC information and training to millions of readers and television viewers. As I continue to offer these skills to couples, we are creating a paradigm shift in divorce by acknowledging that it may be one path to enlightenment.

Marshall says, "The objective of Nonviolent Communication is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone's needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands."

When clients come to me to discuss their options of separation, reconciliation or divorce they rarely have this comprehension of the true possibility of marriage. When I have explained and demonstrated this, I often facilitate reconciliations, even in couples where the hope of this had not previously existed. I have been 99% successful in creating reconciliations even when only one partner is willing to do the work and receive training.

Using Marshall's "Feelings and Needs Inventory," many clients report that they are beginning to reconnect to their true inner "Self" for the first time in their lives. As they learn to identify their feelings and to connect each feeling to a need, an entirely new relationship often begins with their spouse.

Some clients contact me after separation or divorce, when they have realized the grief triggered by their partner's absence. For others, the financial necessity to return to a career may require practice with self-empathy so that they have enough inner silence to consider options to fulfill future needs. The average American marriage lasts only seven years. After a break-up, there may be feelings that linger after the divorce and self-empathy is an extremely valuable to allow clients to disconnect from their stories about the past and the future. Often, clients experience an epiphany after coaching has revealed the truth of Marshall's statement, "One of the secrets to life is to never have our needs be dependent on a specific person."

The Divorce Forum SM Coaching Program begins by allowing clients to see the possibility of a peaceful divorce using Nonviolent Communication. As this is completely new to most potential clients, I have created the "Motivate to Mediate©" component of "Marital Mediation© to meet my own needs for global peace. Clients are astounded when I let them know that it takes only one partner doing the work with me to turn the relationship around. The following describe recent results for my clients using Nonviolent Communication:

1. Using NVC for Marital Mediation and to potentially avoid Restraining Orders during Divorce . One recent client was frightened by her husband's yelling and tears and was on the verge of filing a Restraining Order against him. While this strategy may be helpful in certain circumstances, many of my clients find that by learning to listen compassionately to their spouse, whether in person, over the phone or in my presence as a "third-sider" mediator, that they may create peace. After teaching my client the basics of NVC'S Self-empathy and Empathy, she began to have the ability to translate her husband's loud voice into the feelings and unmet needs that he had, and bring herself back to peace before responding to him. Once she began to actually hear what he was feeling and needing, he felt heard, and they began the process of conversation instead of confrontation.
   
   
2. Using NVC for Family Mediations to resolve long-standing problems : I created a Family Mediation with four adult siblings and their mother after learning that my client's family was struggling with issues that had been pending for decades. In addition to teaching my client the basics of NVC including Self-empathy and Empathy, I had 3 telephone sessions with her mother so that she could decide if the Family Mediation format would meet her needs. At the actual eleventh hour of the mediation, we created an agreement which each of the five family members signed. The mother was so pleased with the results that she declared me to be a "Miracle Worker" and her "third daughter." However, the miracle is the skill set of NVC, which allowed me to work with each person's needs instead of following their lead looking for a solution. Once I had uncovered that they shared needs for peace, appreciation, fairness, connection, and trust, we could begin the work of contemplating solutions to meet everyone's needs. The final agreement surprised the siblings but did not surprise the mother who supported my "outside of the box" ideas throughout.
   
   
3. Using NVC as a component of 12 Step Interventions:  My client first contacted me after her husband said that he was planning to leave his sober living environment. She learned the basics of Self-empathy and understood that she felt scared and angry that her needs for peace, consideration, emotional safety and financial security would not be met if he left before he had acquired new skills to remain sober. She found it challenging to see her husbands' feelings and need for privacy, aesthetics, fun and connection with his family. Instead, she had been experiencing the "Enemy Image" of him when he drinks. Since then, I have had a number of sessions with the husband to clarify his unmet needs and to allow him to begin to express these needs to his family instead of feeling hopeless that his need for understanding could ever be met so that he can create more successful ways to meet his needs for connection, communication and appreciation. I also spoke to his parents in order to mediate a peaceful solution for the family.  After a few sessions with each spouse, the husband decided to come home and began drinking. I offered "emergency first aid empathy" to each spouse so that they could find enough peace to see one another's feelings and needs. Due to the consistent peaceful behavior of his wife and to the sessions of NVC training for the entire family, he has now entered a thirty-day alcohol treatment program. In addition, I have offered NVC empathy training to motivate each family member to support him to stay in this program rather than to use their previous habit of criticism and derision. Now that the parents and the wife have begun to understand what triggers him to pick up a drink, and the self-critical thoughts that stimulate him to continue drinking, there is the possibility to create real support for him at home once he returns from treatment.
   
   When clients call about avoiding divorce or to create a more peaceful divorce, the skills of NVC can be used in various combinations. The first step may be to learn to return themselves to a calm state in the face of a partner's anger. Then the conversations of pre-divorce or divorce development often are replaced with reconciliation. Often, once a spouse uncovers his or her own feelings and needs and practices enough self-empathy to find peace, then their pain is diminished so that they can begin to hear what the partner had been saying, often for years.
   
   The old "he said; she said" dynamic of divorce can dissolve very quickly when even one client short circuits the complaining and blaming behaviors that have been building up. By replacing these with hearing a partner's feelings and unmet needs and reflecting them back with NVC'S version of active listening. The following results are completely consistent with Marshall 's words that "twenty minutes after each party expresses his or her needs and the other partner hears them and reflects them back a strategy will find them!" .
   
   
4. Using NVC as a Divorce Coach during Divorce Mediation: Last year, I was called in as a divorce coach to support a divorce mediator who felt concerned that her need and her clients' needs for peace could not be met. During the first session, the wife requested that I become her divorce coach and the husband did not. After ten telephone sessions which focused in great part on teaching her self-empathy and empathy, she agreed to discuss her financial situation with my referred expert. She continued coaching with me and discussed her needs for companionship, intimacy and love that she hoped her husband could meet one day. Though she was not successful in having her husband receive any coaching sessions with me, they have now reconciled based on her own new skills of thinking, listening, and speaking. When she contemplated the benefits of life with her husband and life without him, she decided to choose the former and so did he.
   
   
5. Using NVC to prepare my coaching client for Divorce Mediation: Last month, a client had 12 coaching sessions in order to prepare for her collaborative divorce mediation. As her spouse had hired an attorney before she contacted me, and due to pending legal issues, I referred a local attorney who has also received my training. My client really mediated her own divorce, and within the mediation, she asked for a caucus with her husband who was on the phone from another state. After a one hour caucus using NVC, having spent only six hours in mediation, a settlement was reached. How was she able to accomplish this? When we first spoke she was overwhelmed by her need for financial security and respect and felt extremely angry. Receiving empathy and coaching, she saw that her grief was due to her need for affection and connection and that her fear of the future was triggered by her thoughts about being alone after the divorce. As she created the habit of "waking up" to these feelings and unmet needs instead of speaking with anger, fear and grief, she was able to understand her husband's needs, too. Slowly, the habit of NVC thinking replaced the emotional outbursts and her divorce was transformed into a peaceful collaborative experience. This saved her thousands or tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and eliminated the litigation which the husband had demanded
   
   
6. NVC impacts University curricula :  I have been asked by the head of the Los Angeles Bar Association's Dispute Resolutions Service if I would help create the curriculum and participate with the faculty of Cal State University Dominguez Hills for a course on Collaborative Law, divorce and divorce mediation.
   
   

7. NVC may be included in television programming: A television production company has begun working with me to create a realty television series about my work!  
   
   With Nonviolent Communication skills clients may see themselves reflected in a new mirror. When they have transformed the fear that is triggered by the need for support and the grief that wells up when they consider living alone in the future, clients may feel inspired to move beyond old limitations, discovering their true power. Since love is the "evolving door", they often discover that they have become like the genie in the bottle, unlimited and far more powerful than they ever believed possible. "Peace isn't going to find us; we have to find peace" is the mission statement of www.thedivorceforum.com and thanks to my great teacher, Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., that is now a reality that we offer to millions.

    

   Susan Allan , America's leading divorce coach, is the founder of www.thedivorceforum.com. Allan has been seen on Fox News, MTV , and local television news programs on both coasts promoting Nonviolent Communication and peaceful divorce, and writes the "Ask The Love and Relationship Coach" and the "Ask The Divorce Coach" columns. Allan is the author of 101 Divorce Secrets, A Survival Guide , and the upcoming book Divorce The Marry-Go-Round or How to Save your Money, your Sanity and your Life!
   

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Have you ever found yourself struggling with your child over something you want her to do, knowing that you want to communicate calmly, but feeling the waves of frustration and anger growing in you? I recently discovered the difference a giraffe puppet mediator can make in those moments.

A puppet mediator? How can a puppet mediate, you wonder?

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), giraffes are used as symbols for "the language of the heart" because giraffes have the largest hearts of any land animal. They need those large hearts to pump blood up their long necks to their brains. (Sometimes I think that this is an apt metaphor for the disconnection between our human hearts and brains, and that by learning NVC we are metaphorically enlarging our hearts so we can pump more blood into the region of our heads responsible for making decisions.)

In our workshops, we often use a giraffe puppet in role plays to represent someone trying to use NVC. We use a jackal puppet to represent someone using the habits of speech we are more accustomed to, such as judgments and demands, that don't support the quality of connection, understanding or consideration we want. But I hadn't thought to bring these puppets into my relationship with my five-year-old son until this year.

I no longer remember what the argument was about, but I remember the moment of inspiration. I felt completely lost, not knowing how to help us shift into more connection. I was stuck in what I wanted, he was stuck in what he wanted, and neither of us was willing to budge. Worse yet, my son wasn't willing to talk anymore, and I felt completely helpless about how to resolve the situation.

I went to my study and returned with my "work bag," which holds my giraffe and jackal puppets. I put the giraffe puppet on my right hand and the jackal puppet on my left. I told the giraffe puppet what was going on for me, and she offered me empathy by guessing my feelings and needs. The jackal, meanwhile, interjected to my son every once in a while. "Arrrrr!" he would start, in the angriest voice I could muster. "Hitting will solve it!" My son looked concerned and said to the jackal: "No, don't hit! Talk about it!" This was a role reversal! My son was educating the jackal on the merits of nonviolent conflict resolution.

Then the giraffe said to me: "I think you're forgetting something about your son." "Really?" I inquired. "What is it?" "When you're having a conflict, sometimes he wants a little space to think about things before you continue to talk about them." I turned to my son and asked him directly: "Is that what's going on?" "Yes!" he replied. I felt relieved and encouraged. The giraffe's insight-I can't really say it was my own because I didn't have it until the giraffe showed up-helped meet both my son's need for space and care and my need for understanding what was going on. But the solution didn't end there. The giraffe continued to empathize with my son as well as with me, and within two minutes we were reconnected and happy.

So what if I was the one making the giraffe's voice? I changed my voice a little to make it the giraffe's unique voice; I looked at the giraffe while she was talking to indicate that I was listening to her; and she transfixed both my son and I. It seemed to me that, by using the giraffe puppet, I was able to tap into that deeper place in myself I wish to have access to in my hardest moments. I came through in the way I want to come through: truly caring for both my son's and my own needs rather than getting locked into meeting only mine; staying calm and peaceful in the face of conflict; and reaching for connection and understanding.

Since that first time I used the giraffe and jackal puppets, I have pulled them out of my work bag a few more times. I use them sparingly, keeping them for when I really don't know what to do without their help, because I don't want either my son or me to become desensitized to their charms or power. With their help, I have witnessed what seemed like near miracles to me. I'll share one more story.

My son built something with one of his construction toys, told me it was a "ride", and then wanted me to get on for a ride. I told him that after I finished the ride, I was going to make a picnic lunch for him to take with him on his trip to the zoo with friends. Then I "got on" the ride, ooohing and ahhhing as it "took off." Just as it was done, the phone rang, and I went to answer it.

When I got off the phone, my son came over and told me to get on for another ride. When I told him that I wanted to make lunch and a phone call, he said that I had paid for two rides and that I had to take the second ride. This was news to me, and I wasn't amenable to it. At another time, I would have gladly rejoined the game, but I knew that our friends were going to arrive momentarily and that lunch wasn't ready, so I really wanted to make the lunch.'

We went back and forth, with my trying a bit to empathize with him and to express myself, all in NVC. But whereas usually this approach helps us tremendously, in this instance we weren't getting anywhere. In fact, my son upped the ante by refusing to talk about what was going on and announcing that he was sending out a ray that would beam me into the ride so I wouldn't be able to prepare the food.

Like most people, I don't respond well to commands. When I hear a command, I feel almost compelled to do the exact opposite. And so I started to make the lunch. He invented elaborate ways to "beam me" into the ride, and I insisted on going about my business. Fortunately, I caught on to myself: I was in a power struggle, and the way to end a power struggle is for whoever catches on to stop engaging in it. I went to the study to get help.

I returned with the giraffe on my hand, and told her that I didn't know what to do because my son wasn't willing to talk with me about what was going on. She asked if I was feeling frustrated and needed a way to meet both our needs, which was, as usual, a helpful inquiry. Then she turned to my son and asked him what was going on. He spoke to me again, repeating a variation on the theme of getting me on the ride with the ray he had constructed. The giraffe spoke to him again: "So you're really wanting completion with what you were playing?" His energy suddenly shifted. He stopped talking to me, turned his face to the giraffe, and spoke directly to her. "She took one ride but she paid for two and I want her to take the second ride," he told her. "Oh, so you really want to finish what you started?" the giraffe asked. Then, completely unexpectedly, my son replied, "She doesn't want to take the second ride, so I could give her the money back." "You have an idea about how to solve this," the giraffe commented, then turned to me and asked, "Will that work for you?" I confirmed that it would. "Does it really work for you?" the giraffe checked with my son. He confirmed that it did. Then she said, "It seems to me that you thought what you wanted was for your mother to take the ride. Then you discovered that what you really needed was a way to complete your game, and you found another way to do that that worked for everyone." "Yes!" he beamed.

Along with all the usual gear, I'm making sure to take our giraffe puppet with us to Hawaii when we go on vacation in November.

© 2003 by Inbal Kashtan

Inbal Kashtan, Parenting Project coordinator for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, teaches and writes about Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and lives with her family in Oakland, California. She is the author of a booklet, "Parenting from Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice." For information about NVC or to contact Inbal see www.cnvc.org, email cnvc@cnvc.org or call 818-957-9393 .

This article was previously published in Paths of Learning, January 2004.

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Year two of a powerful government-funded program for young mothers is now underway in Stanstead, Quebec, Canada. Tools for Life offers struggling moms and their children a year of training and practice in Nonviolent Communication and basic life skills. Participants are empowered with the skills, self-awareness and support needed to make positive choices, regardless of their life circumstances.

Thanks to a generous federal, provincial and local funding, and team fundraising events, participating moms are fully compensated for their participation, including the support of NVC-based childcare while they learn. Over the course of a year, moms spend three days each week in increasingly advanced NVC training, and two days in a combination of community work, and basic like skills training. Staff model NVC skills to the children as well, contributing significantly to their emotional development, and their shared commitment to living NVC with their mother.

During the last two trimesters of the project, the women engage in job shadowing and community work once per week. Tools for Life differs from traditional life skills courses by effectively combining the practical, emotional and communication skills participants need to lead empowered, healthy lives. NVC skills and practice help the women face life challenges using healthy choices that meet everyone's needs.

"We believe that the success of this program is largely due to the amount of time we all spend together. Learning NVC is much easier in a supportive, consistent community where we all have permission to make mistakes," said project coordinator Gina Cenciose.

Additionally, the program goes far beyond basic skill development by integrating a whole-family approach to learning. When both the mother and children are involved in NVC learning, the success of these new skills in reducing conflict, improving the quality of relationships, and contributing to personal growth is far greater then when the parent learns alone.

All project staff, including life skills teachers and NVC practice mentors have received significant NVC training themselves. The entire staff is dedicated to integrating and living the NVC consciousness in everything they do.

Twelve women and fifteen children are now enrolled in the second year of this valuable program, scheduled to begin May 16, 2005. For more information, or to get involved as a project funder, please contact Gina Cenciose at 450-297-3766 or by email at alexzak@globetrotter.net

A word from Tools for Life participants:

Cheryl Walker- During the project we had the opportunity to learn Non violent communication. NVC has been a wonderful experience for me to learn, it has shown me how to communicate with others in a more understanding way. It has also shown me that everybody has different needs for each situation, and different wants in life.  It helped me to realize how important these things are to others and me. We are also writing in our NVC journals, which helps me to clarify my thoughts and translate them into feelings and needs. By using NVC, it seems to be a way to understand others and myself in a way that is conflict free.

Karen Moore - During phase two of the Tools for Life project, our study of nonviolent communication has been increased. We are reading and participating in practice and integration activities and reviewing what we have learned from our NVC workbooks. We are writing regularly in a NVC journal that helps us to find strategies for resolving situations that happen daily, by focusing on our thoughts, feelings and needs. I have personally found that this in-depth study and journal writing has changed the way I perceive different situations and in turn, how I react to them. I am now beginning to take my NVC learning and applying it to my parenting skills, and thus far have seen a vast improvement in conflict resolution with my 11-year-old son. We (my son and I) are now working on building a relationship of mutual respect, connection and love, one where both of our needs are appreciated and where we do our best to fulfill them

Carol Hudson -I didn't realize how powerful NVC is until we began exploring it deeper. I didn't believe in my feelings and needs until Gina started showing me.  I didn't realize how many feelings and needs there are until I read Marshall Rosenberg's book on Nonviolent Communication. I didn't realize how many feelings and needs were alive in me at one time until we made our feelings and needs lists. I am ecstatic with myself for fulfilling my needs for personal growth and self-connection through using NVC.

Marie-Naël Lessard - Since my beginnings with NVC, my concept of communication has changed drastically. I have learned other ways to think and talk.  I have also gained a lot more self-confidence with myself and with my parental abilities.  Hey I wasn't that far off. It gave me tools that I now practice on my close environment as well as myself. I have a totally different concept of the world we live in and I am now able to see people and their actions for what they really are for what they feel and what they need. NVC has become a big part of me, and I am looking forwards to continue working my personal growth with the help of NVC.

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NVC Parenting Project

Created in 2001, the NVC Parenting Project has been aiming to support the transformation of parenting practices around the world. This aim arises both out of the desire to contribute to parents’ and children’s ability to meet their needs in the context of family life, and to the recognition that parenting practices shape the adults of the next generation. >Full Project Summary

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"NVC: A Language of Life is essential reading for anyone seeking to end the unfulfilling cycles of argument in their relationship. It is essential for parents who wish to influence their children’s' behavior by engendering compassion rather than simply achieving obedience. It is essential for mediators encumbered by complex models of negotiation."

- Wes Taylor, Progressive Health

Belgium Teams Host Spring Convention, Conference and International Intensive Training

Girasol, a newly formed Belgium-based NVC organization, hosted several large-scale NVC events this spring, including an International Intensive Training, a conference, the annual NVC Convention and a quarterly CNVC board meeting. These events provided a wonderful springboard to enhance ties between English and French-speaking countries, and to begin establishing a strong NVC presence in Belgium. An enormous amount of work and time was invested to ensure the success of these events. Special thanks to Sophie Grosjean, Godfrey Spencer, and Evelyne Faniel.

Belgium Conference Draws 1,000+

Over 1,000 people attended a conference presentation by Marshall Rosenberg at Spa, a resort city in Belgium, April 7, 2005. The conference was organized by local NVC organization, Girasol (LINK TO www.girasol.be), and hosted by Sol Cress (LINK TO www.solcress.be). While Rosenberg has provided a number of NVC trainings in Belgium in the past, this was the first large-scale conference offered of its kind.

Several connections made at the conference promise to continue the expansion of NVC learning in the region. The Belgium Ministry of Justice has invited Rosenberg to introduce NVC at two half-day trainings-one training to French-speaking personnel July 7, and another presentation to Dutch-speaking personnel on July 8. A European coaching association has also asked Girasol to organize a future workshop with Rosenberg in 2006, providing the opportunity to spread NVC to hundreds of companies, directors, European politicians and trainers.

Girasol was formed in 2004 by Evelyne Faniel, Sophie Grosjean and certified trainer Godfrey Spencer. The organization now proudly offers NVC trainings, mediation, coaching, consulting and conferences to French-speaking countries. For more information, or to get involved, contact Girasol at www.girasol.be

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